Dos and Don’ts of Dealing with Difficult Parents
Mom walks into the teacher’s classroom. Somewhere, off camera, a violin begins to play the creepy music we all know so well from classic horror films like Hitchcock’s Psycho and Spielberg’s Jaws.
You want to tell the teacher hide under his desk before Mom claims her next unsuspecting victim—him.
If you’ve spent any time in the classroom, you know Mom. The mom you know might not be Jaws or Psycho, but I bet she has a theme song all the same.
Don’t worry about the teacher above. He’s prepared for Mom. He’s planned well, communicated, and he knows where to draw the line with her. Our teacher is the one that met with Mom and lived to tell the tale.
Advance planning is important.
Jennifer, a middle school science teacher from Kentucky, challenged her students to create projects for a regional science fair. Jennifer did all the pre-work necessary to pull this off: she told students, parents, and administration about the idea in November, five months before the science fair. She sent home reminder letters, progress checks, rubrics, and science fair rules. She incorporated language arts and the creative arts in the project. Jennifer worked hard to communicate and educate.
Five months later, it’s April and the projects are due, but one student’s project didn’t have all the required elements. Mom came to school the next day to hand Jennifer the student’s project. THIS is the student’s project and I don’t care what you think, Mom told Jennifer. This kid’s project earns a C for a class grade and sits in the disqualified heap at the science fair because the student didn’t follow the rules.
Mom arrived at the school the following day and accused Jennifer of ruining the student’s life. Mom insisted that the student will never try hard on a project again because he feels Jennifer treated him unfairly.
Jennifer’s administrators backed her up and sent the Mom home, but Jennifer is hurt. She says, “The comment that hurt the worst was that I had ruined her child’s life. Even though I knew this wasn’t true, I only want to have positive influences on my students.”
Suzanne Capek Tingley, retired superintendent and author of How to Deal with Difficult Parents: A Teacher’s Survival Guide, said that it sounds like Jennifer did all the right things. She front-loaded the project with planning, informed parents, and communicated with administration. Jennifer had done her work first.
“When parents are unreasonable, you have evidence,” Tingley said. “Stand firm. Let what happens happen, but make sure the administration is on board so there are no surprises.”
Tingley acknowledges that sometimes administrators cave to parental demands and ask teachers to adjust grades or outcomes. In those situations, Tingley said, it’s important to say, “My administration wants to change this grade. I’m following my administrator’s directives so I’m changing it.”
Communicate and have your administration on board.
This next story involves a second-semester senior who often skipped my first-block English class, a class the student needed to graduate. Mom excused all the student’s absences and I tried to catch her up on class whenever I saw her.
Progress reports, phone calls home, chats with the guidance counselor, notes to the principal and still this student was not coming to class, not completing work, and not passing. It was three weeks before she was supposed to walk across the stage and receive her diploma, but it looked like she wasn’t going to earn that right.
We had a meeting one afternoon with the parent, the student, the guidance counselor, the parent, and me. The student showed up for class for the next three weeks as well as every day after school. She completed her work and wore her cap and gown for graduation.
Tingley said that these kinds of students are not uncommon. “The student has a pattern of behavior that she has worked before.”
As a teacher, it’s important to have a vision, a personal philosophy to guide you with situations like these, Tingley said. “If you have the vision and know how kids are supposed to behave, every decision comes from that.” It’s best to stand firm, Tingley said, and not deviate from that vision, that goal.
It’s also good to keep lines of communication open. Call parents and document every conversation with them. Be sure administrators and guidance counselors understand the situation.
“Make sure administrators have the information, make sure that parents have the information,” Tingley said. “Protect yourself.”
Know when it’s over.
Bob, a social studies teacher from Georgia, had a difficult student in his class. This student disrupted class with an impromptu rap song that included an obscenity. Bob filled out the referral and sent her from class. He didn’t expect to see her in class again since the school’s policy says that obscenities merit a three-day suspension and the school year was drawing to a close.
The next day, Mom stormed into Bob’s classroom. She had conducted her own investigation about the incident and claimed that Bob was lying about the obscenity. She continued to rage, despite Bob’s calm replies about what had really happened. In the end, he smiled and handed Mom the student’s study guide for the final.
“I’ve never been that angry or disrespected before,” Bob said.
It’s important to know when a conversation with a parent is over, Tingley said. “Discussion is one thing, but abuse is something else entirely. You stand up and say that the conversation is over. We’re not paid for that type of abuse.”
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